This about sums things up...

He left a card and a bar of soap with
scrubbing brush next to a note,
That said "use these down to your bones".
And before I knew I had shiny skin and
it felt easy being clean like him,
I thought "this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more. So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats,
She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea
She told me don't, trust them trust me.
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one,
Looked at my insides clicking her tongue,

And said "This will all have to come undone".

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle,
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit.

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar,
that everyone wants a little more?
So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time,
about my old self was hard to find.
You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine.
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that
I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys,
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar
that everyone wants a little more?
so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
could you leave me with a scar? ah-ah-ah.

could you leave me with a scar

Signs of life...

Life shouldn't be this hard damn it...or complicated! I'd like to turn off that part of my heart that cares SO much about the feelings of other people. It's taken over and I can't do anything for myself any more. I hate feeling weak and helpless. I'm not by any means....I just feel that way. How do you do what's best for you when it hurts...hold on....crushes someone else? If someone can tell me please do so! Right now I'm traveling down the lame cop out rode. Ya know the one where you think if you piss someone off enough they'll just walk away. It's not working. I need more though damn it. It's not working for me! I'm a sexually charged woman who needs to feel craved and needed. I don't have unrealistic expectations by any means I know that much. I know I should feel like more than a sister or glorified maid. I need passion, romance AND friendship. Venting complete.

It's a start and a disclaimer

So I've been blogging and rambling on myspace for about a year now and I realized it was more frustrating than worth while. Myspace is too crowded and not a place for my thoughts. Too public! Plus...I very rarely have anything to say that is or worth while to anyone but me. I'm not filled with mind altering realizations and brilliant ideas that will change anyones life. When I found my topic too personal for mass public viewing I'd make it private. Wouldn't ya know over the next few days my inbox would be blowing up with eight million questions why. Least I can't say I'm ignored right!?

I've cut myself out of the loop so drastically over the past year that I barely talk to anyone anymore. Leaves me with LOTS of shit running through my head and little to no outlet. I figured this would be a good start. Don't get me wrong...I have great people in my life and if I want to talk I can. I just choose not to. Reason being...they don't really listen anyways. We're all just growing apart in very different directions. Being the social butterfly I used to be with plans everynight. It was exhausting and financially draining. Plus...my life was becoming all about what was going on in the lives of those around me. The expectations that were being set for me were unrealistic. I am not interested in living my life by those expectations. Meeting someone had something to do with the change. A lot actually. It's left some of those near and dear to me feeling disappointed. I can't help that. I am who I am. No one's changed me nor have I changed for them. I'm simply being me. Single me and not single me....VERY different people. There's a simple rule I apply to myself...would I behave this way with all my girlfriends if he were here? If the answer is no then I'm doing something wrong. It's a matter of respect for him.

It took me a long time to figure that out. I think it was merely just seeking the attention that I needed so badly and not knowing how to draw the lines when it went to far. I can blame it on a million things such as immaturity, selfishness, neglect, the list is long and full of bullshit. It took having someone treat me the way I'd treated others in my past to figure it all out. When someone cheats on you, someone that you really love not just some one you just picked up, something in you breaks. I shouldn't even say one thing it's several things. Confidence and trust are the hardest hit. I figured spending an extended period of time alone (cause I never had) would do the trick. NOPE! I spent a year and a half single and did A LOT of working on myself. DOESN'T do anything to work on the trust issue at all! It took a good 6 months into the relationship before the psychotic paranoia and trust issues came to the surface though. Didn't see that coming at all! BAM! Kicked in the head! Analyzing, scrutinizing, questioning, investigating...it's all there! It sucks and it makes you crazy. Especially when there's nothing to find.